Ebella Magazine Essay
To Thine Own Self be Kind
Your first act of compassion starts with yourself
by Francesca Donlan
It’s hard to be kind sometimes.
It’s even harder to be kind to yourself.
For most people, self-compassion appears to be the last thing on their to-do list. I learned that in a profound way while teaching a kindness class at Florida Gulf Coast University. When I started teaching the class last semester, I thought I would focus on acts of kindness the students would offer the community. But that was before I learned something important about the students.
In the beginning of class, they took a survey. Some of the questions include: How often are you kind to others? How often are you kind to yourself? The answers surprised me. These students were often kind to others, but rarely, if ever, kind to themselves. So, I reversed course. These young adults needed to learn about self-compassion before they could bring kindness into their community.
Self-compassion, in its simplest form, means treating ourselves the same way we would treat someone we love. As the story goes, we have to put on our own oxygen mask first, before we can help others. The reason self-compassion is so important is not just that it makes us feel better. For the past decade, psychologists have been studying its impact on mental and physical health. Numerous studies have shown that self-compassion is strongly linked to overall well-being. The simple act of being kind to yourself can reduce depression, stress, performance anxiety and body dissatisfaction. It can lead to increases in happiness, self-confidence and even immune function. Who doesn’t want that? And all you have to do is be nice to yourself.
The students spent a week practicing self-compassion and experienced what some of the researchers found to be true. One learned that her day was more enjoyable and pleasant if she spoke to herself “in this uplifting manner.” Another said that talking to yourself in a kind way “makes you feel better about yourself, but also helps you gain confidence … It changes the whole perspective on how you feel and behave toward your own self.”
Kristen Neff, one of the leading self-compassion researchers in the country, has shown that those who have endured tough times — having fought in a war, been divorced or experienced illness, for example — have better and longer lasting mental health outcomes if they treat themselves with self-compassion.
During this difficult pandemic period, with the added stressors of economic uncertainty and political divide, people feel they have less control over their lives. And that may be true. But the one thing you can control is the way you treat yourself. You can cultivate self-compassion. You can speak to yourself with the same tone of voice you would use if a friend asked you for advice. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.
When Francesca Donlan is not teaching a kindness class at Florida Gulf Coast University, she serves as the communications director for the Lee County Visitor & Convention Bureau in Fort Myers.
